Sunday, September 30, 2007

Caption Contest Winners

First Place: An eerie hush fell upon them; and in that instant, they all knew No one would make fun of Grover's speech impediment ever, ever again. Vince

Second Place: "Next time I tell that long legged sumbitch to STFU I bet he listens!" GuyK

Third Place: Becky
Hey Bert...
Yes Ernie...
How about at Christmas we rid ourselves of that laughing Elmo doll.
Great idea Ernie!

Honorable Mention: This should get the word out. Nobody crosses us. Nobody. For Christmas we'll have roast pig and frog legs if we have to. Jay

Friday, September 28, 2007

Friday Follies

Someone has finally made
an orthopaedic bed just for MEN.

"Pinch me I think I'm dreaming"
Available only at
"Boobs, Butts and Beyond"
1 (800) YOU-WISH

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Transmundane Thursday

What is the Far Beyond Ordinary Show?
It is a brand new 90 minute talk show that will begin airing LIVE on Sunday Sept. 30th at 6 PM EST. This show will feature people who have had a Beyond Ordinary experience, live a Beyond Ordinary life, Psychic abilities or have knowledge about Beyond Ordinary things. We have people scheduled to discuss Bigfoot, Aliens, Out of Body Experiences and many many more exciting topics.

Who are the hosts?
The Far Beyond Ordinary Show will be hosted by Kris Baker (also host of Crossroads Paranormal Radio) and Steve (as many know as Dazd). The show will be produced by Mike Baker (also of Crossroads Paranormal Radio).

Where can I listen to the live show?
The Far Beyond Ordinary show will be broadcasted by Blogtalk Radio and will stream live. You can listen to the LIVE show by going to our Blogtalk profile page at Blog Talk Radio.

I cannot listen live is there anyway I can download the show or listen to it later?
Yes!!! There are a couple of places where you can download the show or listen to it direct from teh web. You can go to Blog Talk Radio and listen or you can go to PodOmatic to listen or download the show. The FBO show will also be available soon from iTunes and other popular podcasters.

I would love to be a guest on the Far Beyond Ordinary Show. How do I go about booking a date?
If you would like to be considered as a guest for the Far Beyond Ordinary Show you can visit our website at Far Beyond Ordinary and click on "Guest Application". Fill out the application and we will work with you to find a date that works best for you. You can also email us your story and information.

Your Hosts

Kris is the Founder of Crossroads Paranormal© Kris was born and raised in Ontario, Canada. She moved to Lafayette, Indiana in 1998 where she currently resides with her husband Michael. Kris is a retail manager and has been with her current employer since 1999.

Kris became interested in the paranormal at a young age when unexplainable occurrences happened in the house that her mother rented. Her interest has now become somewhat of an obsession as she is constantly researching and learning about the paranormal. Since the paranormal is not an exact science there are several opinions and points of view to consider, so you are never "done" learning.

Kris is a speaker by nature. She enjoys educating people on the paranormal and has done several presentations on the paranormal including but not limited paranormal investigation training.

Guest Request
If you would like to have Kris as a guest on your show, would like to schedule an interview or would like for her to speak at your upcoming event please contact her via Email.

Current 2007 Founder and Host of the Far Beyond Ordinary Show
Current 2007 Owner of Para-Apparel
Current 2007 Founder and Host of Crossroads Paranormal Radio©
Current 2006 Founder, Crossroads Paranormal©, Indiana

In Kris' spare time (when she is not out in the field or researching/studying the paranormal) she enjoys photography, writing, reading, web design, Graphic Design, golfing, traveling and the great outdoors.

Interviews, appearances, and articles as seen on:
Kokomo Tribune, The Times, NWI Times, Purdue Exponent,
SciFi Channel - Proof Positive, Dead Winter Event

Radio Interviews:
100.5 KI, 96.5 Wazy, 95.7 The Rocket, The Cari Stone Show,
The Nightwatch Show, The League of Extraordinary Paranormal Women,
Southern New England Paranormal

Steve aka Dazd
Most people know me online as Dazdnconfzd, Dazd, Disturbed, etc...just don't call me late for dinner. My real name is Steve and I'm excited to be apart of Far Beyond Ordinary radio show. I have been interested in the paranormal most of my life. September 2006 changed my life forever and has afforded me the opportunity to explore other worldly phenomenon. I am a skeptic believer and I plan to share my personal experiences. And through this remuneration, I plan to validate my beliefs. I won't ask anyone to embrace my beliefs. One man's belief is another man's follies.

I belong to a wonderful paranormal group called Crossroads Paranormal based in Lafayette, Indiana. I've been participating in meetings since April of 2007 and became a member in July of 2007. I am the Regional Manager for Central Indiana and help co-ordinate investigations and meeting with prospective members. My knowledge knows no boundaries except I'm not smart enough to remember it all.

I invite you to accompany Kris and I in our pursuit of validation and understanding of other worldly phenomenon. Maybe together with your help we can denounce these phenomenons or validate them.

And always remember, Reality sucks and Life goes on.

Our Premiere Show!
Serenity is a Psychic/Medium and a Paranormal Investigator. She has done readings for almost 30 years from everyday people to Celebrities. The last 10 years she have been called on to help Police and FBI in missing persons cases which she considers her most rewarding work.

Be sure to join us Sunday night or download the broadcast later. We have an exciting line-up of interesting guests that deals with different areas of "paranormal". We are ranging beyond ghosts and goblins!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

September 25, 2006

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

- Dylan Thomas,
Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night

Although my near-death experience was one year ago today, there is virtually not a day that goes by that I am not aware of making decisions based on that experience.

By no means was this a near death experience. Not by the recounts of near death survivors. I somehow cheated death, the Grim Reaper was on a coffee break at 8:25 pm September 25, 2006. The feeling of calm and not panic, reflecting back now, kept the Grim Reaper at bay. No sign of weakness yet signs of strength and enlightenment. I was not scared during my 4 hours of emergency room, trauma room, ambulance ride and angioplasty procedure. Yes I felt tension and apprehension of actually surviving the heart attack. See, I am the youngest of men on my mothers side to actually have a heart attack let alone survive one. Most of the men have died between ages 50-60 of coronary heart disease. I felt calmness that I've never experienced during a personal emergency. As if I knew that if I panicked, my life would cease to exist.

I had a blockage in two of my heart arteries. Most of this is for my medical type readers. lol The most severe blockage (100%) was in the junction of right coronary artery and the posterior descending artery. This required 2 stents to allow proper blood flow. The second artery is the circumflex artery. This is blocked approximately 70-90% and will be reopened on October 12th. Yes, I asked why not both at once? Plain and simple explanation, it woulda killed me. Who am I to question that answer? Originally posted here.

The moment they opened the arteries, I felt a warm rush of life cursing through my body. The warmth of extended life and a sense of being reborn. I have a second chance in life to accomplish the tasks set before me. What that purpose and meaning for a second chance is still elusive, although I will know my task when its completed. But when its completed, then what is planned for me? That is a question I'd rather not have answered and remain one of the mysteries of life.

There are some regrets of that night, and those that are curious can cruise the archives to find it. I've moved past that portion of my life and have actually accepted that mistakes happen, and nothing I had control over. I have often thought of death, and I find it the least of all evils.

I think somehow this blog is just a gathering place on my journey. It is interesting how we wash back and forth across each other's lives here. Seemingly like the waves of the sea washing upon the beach. The sea leaving little gifts of magic and life. All things relying on one another, one without the other becomes a non-existent force. Sometimes the veil becomes lifted and I see you in me and me in you. Souls intertwined amongst all souls until when the last soul looks into the face of love and doesn't turn their back, all souls are one. This intertwining of souls and love is the purest form of friendship. A friendship void of the senses we typically base a friendship. This friendship is based upon our abilities to portray ourselves in a virtual world, of who we are based upon what moralities and beliefs we practice. And our abilities to encounter the gems glittering with the same moralities and beliefs. And nurturing this friendship through the trials and tribulations we call life.

Eskimo Prayer

I think over again my small adventures.
My fears.
Those small ones that seemed so big.

For all the vital things
I had to get and to reach.

And yet there is only one great thing.
The only thing.

To live to see the great day that dawns
And the light that fulfills the world.

Terrible Tuesday

I have a lingering migraine. Posting may be minimal the next couple of days.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Caption It!

As always, leave your captions in the comments. Winners will be announced Friday.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Caption Contest Winners

First Place: Mary Kate enlists Ashley to finally exact her revenge on Paris. Vince
Second Place: The Hasbro versus Mattel wars took a dark and bitter turn after the toys took over the Boardrooms. Sarcasticynic
Third Place: Callie
Boom shaka laka boom!
Roast dem bones
Roast em high
Roast dem bones
Till they roast dry..

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Saturday Conversation

As the family prepared to attend a company picnic, here is the conversation between Mrs. Dazd and I:

Mrs. Dazd: Please...I'm using the curling iron. Let me know before you get out of the shower.
Me: Because my wet sexy body getting out will cause you to become all googly-eyed and burn yourself?
MD: ...
Me: Well?
Me: Yes dear..that must be it.

"I'm too sexy for your curling iron...your curling iron..."

MD: Your not right in the head.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Nostalgia Friday

Sitting around tonight enjoying a glass of wine. Surfing through YouTube and ran across a few classics. Nostalgia and fond memories are what keeps my soul alive. Here are a few of my all-time favorites. I hope you enjoy them and maybe, just maybe I'll get back in the habit of posting a Friday night DJ spot. I hope the person who inpires me to post these starts coming by again.

And this one...I don't care who you are...some point in your life you were stoned or drunk (or both) and tried singing along! Playing air guitar! Admit know you want to come clean! That's right...I see you sheepishly looking away!

Oh hell yes...I did the singing!

An AC/DC wouldn't be who they are today without Bon Scott. Rest in peace...

Friday's Funnies

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Thursday Trivia

I know its supposed to be Transmundane Thursday. However, there is a trivia contest that has an awesome prize package. You need to check this out! Two and a Half Men is the trivia topic! The new season kicks-off Monday, September 24, @ 9/8c.

Sometimes things in life take priority over others. I'll try and get a Transmundane Thursday post together today. If not, be sure to check back next Thursday as there is an important announcement that you'll not want to miss.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Talk Like a Pirate Day

Note: I've waited patiently to use this for almost a year.

Wednesday September 19th 2007 is Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Avast, me hearties - for those of thee that be unaware of the fact, today be International Talk Like A Pirate Day, the day 'pon which people from Land's End to Cape Horn do talk like Pirates.

The day be the idea of two mumping villains from the colonies, John Baur (also known as Ol' Chum Bucket) and Mark Summers (or Cap'n Slappy, to thems that he call friend).

Cap'n Slappy, it is said, did settle 'pon September 19 as the best date for Talk Like A Pirate Day as it were the birthday of his ex-wench, and thus the easier for the rememberin'.

International Talk Like A Pirate day now be celebrated in many countries and on the high seas, for it be the greatest day known to man or beast.

If ye be wantin' to talk like a pirate, then ye should pay heed to our list of pirate phrases yonder. Savvy?

Pirate to Not Pirate Phrasebook:

Ahoy! - Hello
Avast! - Oi, you!
Yarrrr! - Used to intensify the previous statment, e.g. 'I quite fancy a cup of tea. Yaarrrr!'
Arrrr! - Innit (see also)
Dog - Person who is disapproved of
Lubber, Landlubber - One who is not a seaman, an incompetent person (c.f. Muggle)
Mumping villain - see 'Dog'
Slab-sided bugger - see 'Dog'
Wretched scrofulous whoreson bilge rat - see 'Dog'
Splice the mainbrace - What you say to make people do something on a ship
Luff, me hearties! - What you say when 'splice the mainbrace' doesn't work
Aye - Aiiee
Yo ho - Hello woman

Some jokes for the day...

What did the pirate movie projectionist say to the little boy?
Hey boy, only PG... nothing ARRRRRRRRRrrrr!

What part of the Bible does a pirate like to read?
The story about the ARRRRrrrrrk!

Where does a pirate go to find a hamburger?
The golden ARRRRRRches!

What's the name of a Russian pirate captain?

Why do pirates sail in boats?
Because they can't drive CARRRRRrrrrrss!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Offbeat Tuesday

There are more than 1500 active volcanoes on the Earth. We currently know of 80 or more which are under the oceans.

The Earth's crust is made up of huge slabs called plates, which fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. These plates sometimes move. The friction causes earthquakes and volcanic eruptions near the edges of the plates. The theory that explains this process is called plate tectonics.

Volcanoes are like giant safety valves that release the pressure that builds up inside the Earth.

A volcano is a geological landform (usually a mountain) where magma (rock of the earth's interior made molten or liquid by high pressure and temperature) erupts through the surface of the planet.

The name "volcano" has its origin from the name of Vulcan, a god of fire in Roman mythology.

As pressure in the molten rock builds up it needs to escape somewhere. So it forces its way up “fissures” which are narrow cracks in the earths crust. Once the magma erupts through the earth’s surface it’s called lava.

Magma is liquid rock inside a volcano.

Lava is liquid rock (magma) that flows out of a volcano. Fresh lava ranges from 1,300° to 2,200° F (700° to 1,200° C) in temperature and glows red hot to white hot as it flows.

An active volcano is one that erupts regularly.

A dormant volcano is one that has not erupted for many years, although there is still some activity deep inside.

An extinct volcano has ceased to be active.

A volcanic eruption is when hot rocks and lava burst from a volcano.

Geysers are springs that throw boiling water high in the air. They are caused by volcanic heat warming trapped ground water.

Lava cools slowly because lava is a poor conductor of heat. Lava flows slow down and thicken as they harden.

The world's largest, active volcano is Mauna Loa in Hawaii, where famous coffee is grown in the rich volcanic soils.

Mauna Loa is 13,677 feet above sea level. From its base below sea level to its summit, Mauna Loa is taller than Mount Everest. Mauna Loa is about 36 m (120 ft) lower than its neighbour, Mauna Kea.

Hawaii was formed by 5 volcanoes. Mauna Loa, and Kilauea are the only active volcanoes.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Caption It!

Leave your captions in the comments. Winners to be announced Friday.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Caption Contest Winner

First Place: Manatee Ugly
When would the killing stop? Mannie couldn't help his violent urges, but this time he might have to chew off a flipper to slip away. Sarcasm Abounds

Second Place: So much for Joni

Third Place: Maybe if I act like I'm dead he'll stop humping my leg. Becky

Friday, September 14, 2007

Fridays Follies

The Other Animals Are Agin' Us
By Tim Bedore 2003

mp3 file located here

Did you see that in the paper the other day about those carp in the Mississippi River jumping into boats and bonking fisherman in the head? It's true. They're called big head carp, they're from Asia and they're attacking and severely injuring many fisherman.

Biologists claim the roar of boat motors agitates and excites these carp and they jump towards the sound but I think these biologists are naively missing an obvious connection. Fish are attacking fisherman. For the fish it's get them before they get you, kill or be killed. Even if these fisherman are practicing catch and release, that's a very painful, embarrassing experience for any fish and apparently they have had it.

What about the increase in mountain lion attacks? Great White sharks moving closer to shore? Moose have been showing up in towns and stomping on people. A squirrel was in my living room last spring. Am I the only one that sees a pattern here? People, wise up! The other animals are against us. It doesn't take a genius to see there's an inter-species conspiracy to thwart the urban expansion of man.

How do the squirrels fit in? Surveillance. They spy on what we people are doing in the cities and report back to the bigger species out there on the front lines.

And taken together these other species represent walking, we hope not yet talking, scratching, biting weapons of mass destruction. And if these other species can convince the insect world, for example a well known anti-human group like the killer bees, to join up our way of life and our democracy could be history.

The skeptical may ask why would these other species want to hurt us? Obviously, they hate us. They are jealous of our way of life. We swim in chlorinated, safe environment pools, then towel off and have an adult beverage. They are stuck eating sludge in the Mississippi, a river polluted by guess who: their mortal enemy man. And to top it all off we eat them.

This invasion of Asian carp is no accident. This is stage one of their well planned attack. We ignore the obvious at our own peril.

We can no longer sit back and wait for them to attack us. It's time we adopt a new doctrine regarding these other animals. We have to wipe out any and all species who are a lined against us, wherever they are. We can not rest until every big head carp, great white shark, mountain lion, moose and squirrel and any other species that associates with them are defeated.

If the U.N. wants to get involved fine, if not we can do it alone. Of course the British will show up, they always do, but we will fight to protect our way of life. And if you don't agree, you're an unpatriotic idiot who hates America.

Dazd Intelligence Service (DIS) has obtained the following photographs to support such a claim. We have been working covertly to bring to your attention about Mammal Uber Domination, or M.U.D. for short.

The leader of M.U.D. seemingly harmless relaxing in his underground bunker.

A spy well versed in the art of disguise. Unrecognizable as he blends in with others unable to distinguish his true nature.

Attack squads poised to strike at any given moment. With a few quick changes, he quickly blends in like the spy.

But Dazd has recruited a few people to assist him in thwarting such terroist activities. Yes folks, these people are well trained in the arts of combat and survival.

Hit the Read More button to get a glimpse of my secret agents!

Ahhh yes...the decoys...distracting...what was I talking about?

Oh yes..we have new recruits training for the future...distracting as well...she has eyes?

And finally we have cloned everyones hero...

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Crossroads Paranormal Radio

October is quickly approaching and so is Halloween. Now's the perfect time to tune in every Thursday and Sunday at 8pm EST and listen to this show. Visit their official website for more information AND archives from previous shows. And...there is a show with a guy named Dazd co-hosting. It's in the archives...if you find it email me!

And there is something brewing at Crossroads Paranormal Radio. The time slot and premier date hasn't been scheduled yet. The name of the show will be called Far Beyond Ordinary. Far Beyond Ordinary is a new show that will be hitting the internet airwaves soon. The topics vary but one thing you can be sure of is that our guests, their stories and topics will be Far Beyond Ordinary.

Far Beyond Ordinary invites you to open your mind and not just hear the show but listen to the content. The show will also be available via your favorite podcaster so you can download it and listen on your MP3 player or listen to it on your computer. Far Beyond Ordinary is anything but ordinary.

Kris from Crossroads Paranormal Radio will be the host with a new co-host. Keep checking Crossroads Paranormal Radio site for updates.

And if you listen to Crossroads Paranormal Radio and chat in the listener room, you'll get to chat with yours truly. That's right folks...the one and only Dazdnconfzd!!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Wednesday's Reflection

It's been a long year here at Dazd Central. Well, not quite a year but with my lack of writing I decided I should start early. That way if I forget or miss it, its already covered.

Long time readers and good friends will remember September 25th of last year. No its not a day that will live in infamy or be recorded in history books. Rather its a quiet day that quickly slipped from normalcy into oblivion. You can read about it starting here.

My life changed that fateful night. Many lives changed on 9/11 and so did mine. But this night changed immensely on how I relate to life and respect what life has to offer. Yes I coined the phrase "Reality sucks and life goes on..." many years ago. 1987 to be exact. At that moment nothing mattered more than living. Living to see my son grow into a man, living to see grandchildren someday, living to enjoy friends and most of all living to experience life in a whole new way. Things that changed that I'm regretting, amusement parks, good old fashioned food, and one regret I'll have for eternity. And who could forget the quiet friend who kept everyone updated, and actually became a blog son. Many thanks to DNR for keeping friends updated.

I also had support from online friends...many many friends. Too many to recall and I'd hate to forget anyone. You all have a place in my heart and always will.

Update from the doctors appointments I've had the last 2 weeks. Cholesterol is elevated again with the total of 204 with the HDL (good cholesterol) at 42. Triglycerides are elevated at 209 so my Crestor will be increased to 20 mg with a follow-up test 6 weeks away. Heart doctor said its still ticking and sounds great. however, my BP is averaging a little high at 130/85. Yea not too high but he's worried given everything thats happened. So my BP med dosage has been increased. I've also gained ummm some poundage and need to shed that back off. Yes I'm a slacker when it coes to that part but I still eat healthy just need to watch my consumption. Oh and I need to exercise too...errrr...more.

I also want to thank each and everyone of you who stood by me during my heart attack. Amazingly enough it helped immensely providing my comfort and proving once again online friendships can make a difference. I also want to thank each and everyone of you who read my ramblings and have patiently waited for me to "write" again. Yes I realize this blog provides comical releif but lately its lacking both ingredients to which I started this blog. 1. To write 2. To provide laughter and reflection.

So now you have the reflection and Monday had the laughter. My job for the week in complete.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Honoring Those Who Gave the Ultimate

"Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty."
- John F. Kennedy

We, as a Nation, must honor those who gave some and those that gave all. We must unite in our honor, regardless of our opinions, to those that have and will preserve our nation’s freedom and liberty. We, as a Nation, mustn’t view this war as an atrocity. We must view this as the world democracies, as we know it, stand against a belief having powerful similarities to the Axis of Evil from World War II. Our forefathers served and died protecting our freedoms and liberties. We, as a Nation, are poised to cross that threshold once again. We must see the parallels between Pearl Harbor and the Twin Towers. We shouldn't hide behind our political beliefs nor our misguided attempts to rationalize our dissent. Our American History clearly defines our resolve and present day shall not be an exception. We, as a Nation, shall not stand cowardly towards our aggressors. Our fellow countrymen fight bravely each day and we, as a Nation, shall honorably support their efforts. I fear that if we abandon our fellow countrymen who are patriotically providing the ultimate sacrifice, we shall reap the bitter harvests that were sown.

Some people live an entire lifetime and wonder if they have ever made a difference in the world, but the soldiers don't have that problem.

"With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow and his orphan - to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations."
- Abraham Lincoln

Monday, September 10, 2007

Caption It!

Back to our regularly scheduled program...

Leave your captions in the comments. Winners to be announced Friday.

Yes...originally posted here.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Friday Follies

hahahaha Sick and twisted but I still love me. lol

Have a great weekend and be safe!!!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Your EMF and the Paranormal

Electric fields are created by differences in voltage: the higher the voltage, the stronger will be the resultant field. Magnetic fields are created when electric current flows: the greater the current, the stronger the magnetic field. An electric field will exist even when there is no current flowing. If current does flow, the strength of the magnetic field will vary with power consumption but the electric field strength will be constant. Electromagnetic fields (EMF) are present everywhere in our environment but are invisible to the human eye. Electric fields are produced by the local build-up of electric charges in the atmosphere associated with thunderstorms. The earth's magnetic field causes a compass needle to orient in a North-South direction and is used by birds and fish for navigation.

Everyone is surrounded by an electromagnetic field, and this field is called an aura. Every person emits electromagnetic energy. A person's thoughts are also electromagnetic energy. The human body especially the brain, is actually a very powerful transmitter and receiver of electromagnetic energy. This is why you feel good around some people and bad around others. Have you ever noticed that when certain people walk into a room, you can "sense" their presence? Positive and negative effects of Electromagnetic energy. Elvis Presley was over-flowing with so much positive electromagnetic energy most people couldn't help but adore the man. His "Karma" was filled with so much positive energy.

In 1992, Bruce Taino of Taino Technology, an independent division of Eastern State University in Cheny, Washington, built the first frequency monitor in the world. Taino has determined that the average frequency of a healthy human body during the daytime is 62 to 68 Hz.

So after reading the above paragraphs, one would have to ask the logical question: Does a persons aura/emf levels directly correlate with witnessing paranormal activity?

I would be interested in hearing your thoughts.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

George Carlin's New Rules

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days-he's mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything
that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Scotch over ice and let it melt.

That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring which way to slide my card, entering my PIN number, finding and pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it Doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that
The idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Offbeat Tuesday

Alaska and California, with 8 each, are the US states with the most national park sites.

Disney World in Orlando, Florida covers 30,500 acres (46 square miles), making it twice the size of the island of Manhattan, New York.

Grand Rapids, Michigan was the first city in the US to put fluoride in their water.

Hawaii is the only US state that grows coffee.

Hawaii officially became apart of the US on June 14, 1900.

In the Great Seal of the US the eagle grasps 13 arrows and an olive branch.

Lake Pontchartrain Causeway at New Orleans, Louisiana, is the world's largest bridge. It is almost 24 miles (about 38 kilometers) long.

Maine is the only state in the United States whose name has one syllable.

Mexico City is the oldest capital city in the Americas.

More water flows over Niagara Falls every year than over any other falls on earth.

Most landfilled trash retains its original weight, volume, and form for 40 years.

New Jersey, with 96, is the US state with the greatest number of hazardous waste sites.

St. Augustine, Florida is the oldest city in the US.

The 1st US zoo was built in Philadelphia, PA, in 1876.

The abbreviation 'ORD' for Chicago's O'Hare airport comes from the old name 'Orchard Field.'

The border between Canada and the U.S. is the world's longest frontier. It stretches 3,987 miles (6,416 km).

The Fresh Kills Landfill site on Staten Island, New York, opened in 1948, is the world's largest. It covers 3,000 acres and receives up to 14,000 tons of garbage a day.

The Great Lakes are Lake Michigan, Lake Huron, Lake Superior, Lake Erie and Lake Ontario.

The Great Lakes are the most important inland waterway in North America. All the lakes, except Lake Michigan, which lies entirely in the United States, are shared by the United States and Canada and form part of the border between these countries.

The Great Lakes contain 6 quadrillion gallons of fresh water, one-fifth of the world's fresh surface water. The Great Lakes are the largest group of freshwater lakes in the world.

The Great Lakes have a combined area of 94,230 square miles - larger than the states of New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and Vermont combined.

The Hollywood sign was first erected in 1923. Conceived as a real estate ad, it originally read Hollywoodland. The sign stands 50 feet tall, stretches 450 feet across, weighs 450,000 pounds.

The largest body of fresh water in the world is Lake Superior.

The largest US city in area is Juneau, Alaska, which covers 3,108 square miles. Los Angeles covers only 458.2 square miles.

The Mauna Loa volcano in Hawaii is the largest volcano on Earth. It rises more than 50,000 feet (9.5 miles or 15.2 kilometers) above its base, which sits under the surface of the sea.

The Ohio river forms at the confluence of the Allegheny and the Monongahela.

The original name of Los Angeles was El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles del rio Porciuncula, translating into:The Village of our Lady the Queen of the Angels of the Porciuncula River.

The San Diego Zoo in California has the largest collection of animals in the world.

The tallest monument built in the US, the Gateway Arch, in St. Louis, Missouri, is 630 feet tall.

The US city with the highest murder rate is Detroit.

The water in the Great Salt Lake of Utah is more than four times as salty as any ocean.

The world’s largest statue of a mosquito is a roadside attraction in Komarno, Manitoba, the Mosquito Capital of Canada. Sculpted in 1984, it is made of steel and has a wingspan of 15 feet. It’s also a weathervane, swiveling in the wind.

Caption Contest Winners

First Place: Though unafraid of lions, the Zulu warrior had no desire to turn and face Ted Kennedy. BobG
Secoond Place: Run Forrest run... Becky
Third Place: I *knew* I should have filled up the car when I passed that Shell station! ARGH! Kat

Honorable Mention: the hard part is hooking him up to the methane pump. Rex
OK, so I'm not as pretty as an English Pointer - but I get the job done. The Sarcasticynic