Halloween Funnies!

You're too old to Trick or Treat when...

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Why Halloween is better than sex...

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.


The Cab Driver And the Nun

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

Top Ten Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't

10. She's a goblin.
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag... Oh! your having a great night.
7. Just get on your knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a nice couple of pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it will last longer.
4. Show me your Jujubes and I'll show you my Zag Nuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff.
And the number one Halloween thing that sounds dirty but isn't is...
1. He's got candy spread out on the floor.

And some jokes..groaners...whateva!

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his mother-in-law in the jungle?
hee hee...

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?
Pumpkin pi.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower?
To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits.

Why did the ghost cross the road?
To get to "THE OTHER SIDE"

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the boos.

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle!

My Rights!

Although I've only been in the blogging community a little more than a year, I've seen many bloggers come and go. And some of them not by choice! Just recently, one of my favorite bloggers and online friend was told to stop blogging immediately by her employer. Sadly, Letters from NYC has closed its doors thus ending a brilliant blog of life's reflections and meaningful insights. I am truly going to miss her and I hope she continues to visit here.

Where do an employers "rights" end and an employee's rights begin? Yes I am fully aware that "Freedom of Speech" isn't applicable concerning blogs. After all, we are not journalists nor reporters but simply just everyday human beings. We are plankton amongst the corporate whales of business. Where does it stop? Will I be told someday by my employer or future employer that my paranormal investigating doesn't "fit" into the company's persona? Will I be denied said employment because some asshat decided to research the Internets without my permission? Or maybe my Internet radio show(s) I frequent or host don't necessarily represent the best interest of said employer?

Or better yet...a myspace, facebook, zanga, whatthefluckever kinda networking page isn't acceptable?

The house I live in or the car I drive isn't suitable for company ABC's employees? Or maybe, just maybe, my ancestral history of misdeeds or proprietary ownership of establishments doesn't fall within the boundaries of suitability?

What if I write a book and it's published yet the Board of Directors feels the topic is too heated or questionable?

When did companies determine that I am not a free thinking individual with my own set of morals and standards? When did companies decide that a Credit History is necessary for a job that an individual doesn't even have access to their money? Maybe someone had a rough time for 6 months and they really NEED a job to get their life back on track!

I want to know one thing..Where the fluck are companies finding all these supposed "goodie two-shoes"? Here's a prediction Mr. Corporate Human Resources Person...you'll eventually have no one to hire because we don't give a shit what you think's acceptable!

I am a human being and I reserve the right...not privilege...but RIGHT to voice, write, condone, broadcast whatever I chose to be acceptable and of moral character according to my standards!

Yes folks...my hackles are raised and teeth are snarling in the moonlight. That's why this post received it's own label!

More to follow...

Halloween Poems

The Raven

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door-
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;- vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow- sorrow for the lost Lenore-
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore-
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
"'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door-
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;-
This it is, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you"- here I opened wide the door;-
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore!"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!"-
Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice:
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore-
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;-
'Tis the wind and nothing more."

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed
he;But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door-
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door-
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore.
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore-
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning- little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blest with seeing bird above his chamber door-
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered- not a feather then he fluttered-
Till I scarcely more than muttered, "other friends have flown before-
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said, "Nevermore."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore-
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of 'Never- nevermore'."

But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore-
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then methought the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee- by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite- respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!- prophet still, if bird or devil!-
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted-
On this home by horror haunted- tell me truly, I implore-
Is there- is there balm in Gilead?- tell me- tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil- prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us- by that God we both adore-
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore-
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend," I shrieked, upstarting-
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted- nevermore!
Edgar Allen Poe



Ghosts

I am almost afraid of the wind out there.
The dead leaves skip on the porches bare,
The windows clatter and whine.
I sit here in the quiet house. low-lit.
With the clock that ticks and the books that stand.
Wise and silent, on every hand.

I am almost afraid; though I know the night
Lets no ghosts walk in the warm lamplight.
Yet ghosts there are; and they blow, they blow,
Out in the wind and the scattering snow.-
When I open the windows and go to bed,
Will the ghosts come In and stand at my head?

Last night I dreamed they came back again.
I heard them talking; I saw them plain.
They hugged me and held me and loved me; spoke
Of happy doings and friendly folk.
They seemed to have journeyed a week away,
but now they were ready and glad to stay.

But, oh, if they came on the wind to-night
Could I bear their faces, their garments white
Blown in the dark around my lonely bed?
Oh, could I forgive them for being dead?
I am almost afraid of the wind. My shame!
That I would not be glad if my dear ones came!
Fannie Stearns Davis

Caption It!

"Johnny was sorry he made the statement...'It really chaps my ass the swings are broke.' "

You know the drill...leave captions in the comments! Winners will be announced hopefully Friday. lol

Caption Contest Winners!

Sorry...life got in the way of posting this weekend. Here are the results!

First Place: As an aspiring veterinary dentist young Pedro was infatuated with the toothy beast. Unfortunately for Pedro however, the field of prosthetics has not yet advanced to the point of incorporating a dental drill into his mechanical arm. Vince

Second Place: Ummm...little boys taste like chicken. *EVIL GRIN* Becky

Third Place: Wait for me Mom and Dad! I need a moment to take a picture of this iguana!! Callie

Friday Funny

SEX IN THE DARK...
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned ON the lights. She looked down...and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

News Flash!!!

Available at your newstand today!