Originally Posted July 18, 2006



This morning while sitting outside enjoying the morning serenity, having coffee, watching the neighborhood come alive...my dog apparently had her own agenda. She typically has her own agenda especially first thing in the morning. She was yapping and prancing over by the Snowball bush. I recalled her a couple of times to tell her hush but her ADHD kicked in after a few minutes and off she went. So naturally, I HAD to go investigate. I gulped the last of my coffee and meandered towards my excited canine. I didn't see anything at first and rather assumed it to be a psychotic episode of my canine companion. As I turned to walk away, I saw something strange in my primeval jungle I call my yard. Let's just say with the hot weather lately, I've neglected my yard mowing duties. I let the cat out last night and he disappeared into the undergrowth with the stealth of a lion. I'm certain the U.S. Forestry Service will come by soon and proclaim my yard a Wildlife Preserve. Which is fine by me...means I can't mow the yard or face rather stiff Federal penalties.

I investigated further the mysterious object and noticed it had strange colorations. Kind of a green and yellow striped object resembling a fancy garden hose. OMG...it was a garter snake. This snake was huge, slimy and moving! It had to be 10 feet in length. Teeth as long as my fingers with it's evil tongue sensing all the movement and it was quickly honing in on my position. Evil eyes this snake had...evil, pure evil. Was I mistaken, could it be a python had escaped from the comforts of someones house? Living in the city affords me not to generally have to deal with snakes. What to do...what to do. I could kill it, which is within my very nature, or I could remove it from my primeval forest to find refuge elsewhere. I decided evasive action was the first portion of my hasty deployment. I didn't want a battle where I would have to call in the National Guard for reinforcements. I had my canine companion for support but by this time she was in high overdrive. Not much use with Calvary support if the Calvary is off on it's own mission assignment. We quickly retreated into our bunker. We needed time to assess the situation and enact a battle plan accordingly. I quickly went in my command office and looked for Jeff Corwin's phone number. Darn it, forgot to get his new number last time he was here for dinner. I didn't have time to watch Animal Plant channel to see if he listed a phone number. IT Central was down from the previous evening and it would take waaaay too long to boot up. I could call the Department of Natural Resources but I didn't want to take a gamble on the Wilderness Preserve scenario. Awwww crap!

I left the Calvary inside, much to her dismay, and headed back outside into the shattered serenity I was earlier relishing. I had taken the time to outfit myself with appropriate attire and weapons of various abilities. Living in the city, I decided it was best to leave the double-barrel 12 ga. shotgun inside. That was my last resort...a Custer-like stand if needed. I cautiously forged a trail (to make a hasty retreat) with my handy machete. As I arrived at the Snowball bush, my senses were on heightened alert. My saber was drawn to defend myself and I took a defensive stance. Every noise, smell, sight and movement were detected. But my adversary was obviously very skilled in the art of camouflage. I saw not a trace of him. I cautiously moved the foilage aside hoping to find him. Nothing...he had disappeared without a trace. He had slithered into the abyss of my primeval forest to find refuge. He obviously had surmised that he was dealing with a far superior opponent skilled in the art of battle tactics and his defiance of giving ground would prove futile, if not fatal. As I wiped the sweat from my brow, I backtracked through my cleared path, I placed the saber within the scabbard and considered this a win. Another sucessful patrol without any enemy engagements.

I had just made it to the sidewalk, back to urbanization, when I saw movement in the tangled underbrush. The movement was slow and deliberate worthy of ninjitsu techiques. I heard a hissing/growling sound that sent chills up my spine. I froze, unable to move while my thoughts raced widly. Had the snake called for reinforcements...had I under-estimated the strength of the garter snake scout...was I going to be severely wounded right outside my door? Where was my Calvary!?!?! Then it happened...it attacked with lightning speed...it was charging right towards me...a gray and white blur! It pounced as I drew my saber and prepared to defend myself without mercy!

Damn cat!!!!!!! He wandered away with a prominent Chesire Cat grin.