I dropped my pet snail in the toilet by accident earlier but he's making a slow recovery.
My wife says that giving birth to a child is the most painful thing that a human being can experience.
She's obviously never had to listen to a woman going on about how painful childbirth is.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock's broken and I'm wide awake.
I'm not sure who won.