Weekly Dilemma #1

Dear Dazd,

I read your Dilemma post a few days ago and have finally decided to write to you in the hopes that your down to earth wisdome will get some help.

I'm a lurker, who's been reading you since you returned home from the hospital and have enjoyed both your sense of humor and approach to life.

So why am I turning to you for help instead of talking with my pastor or my friends? In truth, I'm terribly humiliated and ashamed of what's happened. Also, I moved to a new city not long ago and have not made any friends yet thereby not making it easy for me to open up to my new pastor.

First a little about me. I started blogging and commenting on blogs about 2 years ago, as I began planning my move to the big city. It helped provide companionship during times when I couldn't go anywhere due to my mother's illness. We moved to the city in search of better economic opportunity and better health & supportive care for my mom's health issues. As an only child and wage earner, the move helped me secure round the clock care for her and it enables me to work to support both of us.

During the time I've blogged I've been wise about not accepting advances from gentlemen who have showed an interest in me because I have always believed that the online world is not a good way to meet people as you can't judge their morals and their character. You can only take what you read at screen value. In those 2 years I've had the good fortune of meeting some of the people who have commented on my blog and who I read regularly. I was surprised to discover not only are they nice upstanding citizens but they also had good values. About 8 months ago, one of my readers began showing more than a casual interest in me at first I rebuffed him because there's enough going on in my life without having to wonder if this person is a stalker etc.

Though I kept him at bay we did begin an occassional correspondence via email. During that time we found we had much in common. During a particularly scary health period for my mom, where I thought I would lose her and felt scared and alone we began the phone call phase of our friendship. That was about 2 months after our correspondence began. After about 2 weeks my mother was finally well enough for our lives to almost get back to normal, however, the daily phone calls with Jon Doe continued for about another month. In that time we discovered that our morals, values, temperaments, likes, dislikes, hobbies and life pursuits were very closely aligned.

We eventually met for lunch (as he lived several hours away) and the chemistry between us was absolutely incredible. In a conversation a month prior to our meeting he had said that we were a perfect match. After our meeting his calls, emails and his words made it clear that he wanted to pursue a relationship and pursued me aggressively. As attracted as I was, I wasn't sure it would be a good time to begin a relationship given that my mother was still not in the best of health and her prognosis was not the most positive. Essentially, I feared beginning a relationship that I wouldn't be able to pursue, but he kept reassuring me that his steadfast affection and committment to me and to our "blossoming relationship" would get us through anything that came along. Over the next 3 months he showed his love for me in cards, letters, gifts, and in small suprising loving attentive gestures and in words. As long distance lovers do, we talked of a future in which we would finally be able to spend some time together.

All was fine until I asked if he would consider visiting for Valentines Day and told him that my elderlay neighbor had offered me the guest apartment over the garage for him to stay overnight.

Well, needless to say, there was enough of a hesitation for me to know feel there was something wrong. After praying about it and getting the same verse 3 out of 5 times over the next few days (Psalm 36:1-4) I knew I had to follow my instincts and do something and so I googled him and discovered an old blog of his in which there were pictures of a wife and kids. I was devastated, my spirit crushed. He had outright lied to me about never being married and about having children. He said that although he was in love with his wife he also was in love with me and now he was conflicted. He hoped that I would understand that it was an accident and that he never meant to hurt me.

I ended it as soon as he admitted to the truth, which was a few days ago. When I asked how he could receive gifts and take phone calls from me while being at home with his wife, he indicated that she trusted him because he never spent a night away from her. The way he said that made me realize this was perhaps not his first time. Just like the Psalm verse read, he justified his behavior with me and I heard very little remorse which, I believe goes to confirm my belief that there have been other women who have fallen under his spell.

Dazd, I am heartbroken to say the least, and devastated to say the most. Part of me wishes to compose a post and warn other women about him just giving email handle and real name so if another woman googles him she will find out as I did form the beginning and will not have to dig as deeply as I did to discover the info. I don't wish to hurt his wife or children in any way as they are innocent victims of this bastard's lies.

I am making an anonymous post on a blog to help other women and leave him to our lord and creator to handle him as he sees fit. Also, how long do you think my poor heart and soul will hurt from this betrayal. I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him, so these past 5 days have been the worst days of my life. I've managed to show up for work but after I leave home all I do is cry on my drive to and from work and once my mother is taken care of, I go to my room and spend my evenings in tears mourning the dashed hopes and feeling humiliated and ashamed for buying into the lies.

Any advice or help you can offer will be greatly appreciated.

A heartbroken Jane Doe in a cold and lonely city.

Dear Readers,

As you can see, Jane Doe is emotionally drained and heart broken. Please leave her some of the great wisdom I've drawn my strength from in these past months. I'd like for our first Dilemma Post to be a successful one.

Dazd