Sunday, January 28, 2007

Weekly Dilemma #1

Dear Dazd,

I read your Dilemma post a few days ago and have finally decided to write to you in the hopes that your down to earth wisdome will get some help.

I'm a lurker, who's been reading you since you returned home from the hospital and have enjoyed both your sense of humor and approach to life.

So why am I turning to you for help instead of talking with my pastor or my friends? In truth, I'm terribly humiliated and ashamed of what's happened. Also, I moved to a new city not long ago and have not made any friends yet thereby not making it easy for me to open up to my new pastor.

First a little about me. I started blogging and commenting on blogs about 2 years ago, as I began planning my move to the big city. It helped provide companionship during times when I couldn't go anywhere due to my mother's illness. We moved to the city in search of better economic opportunity and better health & supportive care for my mom's health issues. As an only child and wage earner, the move helped me secure round the clock care for her and it enables me to work to support both of us.

During the time I've blogged I've been wise about not accepting advances from gentlemen who have showed an interest in me because I have always believed that the online world is not a good way to meet people as you can't judge their morals and their character. You can only take what you read at screen value. In those 2 years I've had the good fortune of meeting some of the people who have commented on my blog and who I read regularly. I was surprised to discover not only are they nice upstanding citizens but they also had good values. About 8 months ago, one of my readers began showing more than a casual interest in me at first I rebuffed him because there's enough going on in my life without having to wonder if this person is a stalker etc.

Though I kept him at bay we did begin an occassional correspondence via email. During that time we found we had much in common. During a particularly scary health period for my mom, where I thought I would lose her and felt scared and alone we began the phone call phase of our friendship. That was about 2 months after our correspondence began. After about 2 weeks my mother was finally well enough for our lives to almost get back to normal, however, the daily phone calls with Jon Doe continued for about another month. In that time we discovered that our morals, values, temperaments, likes, dislikes, hobbies and life pursuits were very closely aligned.

We eventually met for lunch (as he lived several hours away) and the chemistry between us was absolutely incredible. In a conversation a month prior to our meeting he had said that we were a perfect match. After our meeting his calls, emails and his words made it clear that he wanted to pursue a relationship and pursued me aggressively. As attracted as I was, I wasn't sure it would be a good time to begin a relationship given that my mother was still not in the best of health and her prognosis was not the most positive. Essentially, I feared beginning a relationship that I wouldn't be able to pursue, but he kept reassuring me that his steadfast affection and committment to me and to our "blossoming relationship" would get us through anything that came along. Over the next 3 months he showed his love for me in cards, letters, gifts, and in small suprising loving attentive gestures and in words. As long distance lovers do, we talked of a future in which we would finally be able to spend some time together.

All was fine until I asked if he would consider visiting for Valentines Day and told him that my elderlay neighbor had offered me the guest apartment over the garage for him to stay overnight.

Well, needless to say, there was enough of a hesitation for me to know feel there was something wrong. After praying about it and getting the same verse 3 out of 5 times over the next few days (Psalm 36:1-4) I knew I had to follow my instincts and do something and so I googled him and discovered an old blog of his in which there were pictures of a wife and kids. I was devastated, my spirit crushed. He had outright lied to me about never being married and about having children. He said that although he was in love with his wife he also was in love with me and now he was conflicted. He hoped that I would understand that it was an accident and that he never meant to hurt me.

I ended it as soon as he admitted to the truth, which was a few days ago. When I asked how he could receive gifts and take phone calls from me while being at home with his wife, he indicated that she trusted him because he never spent a night away from her. The way he said that made me realize this was perhaps not his first time. Just like the Psalm verse read, he justified his behavior with me and I heard very little remorse which, I believe goes to confirm my belief that there have been other women who have fallen under his spell.

Dazd, I am heartbroken to say the least, and devastated to say the most. Part of me wishes to compose a post and warn other women about him just giving email handle and real name so if another woman googles him she will find out as I did form the beginning and will not have to dig as deeply as I did to discover the info. I don't wish to hurt his wife or children in any way as they are innocent victims of this bastard's lies.

I am making an anonymous post on a blog to help other women and leave him to our lord and creator to handle him as he sees fit. Also, how long do you think my poor heart and soul will hurt from this betrayal. I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him, so these past 5 days have been the worst days of my life. I've managed to show up for work but after I leave home all I do is cry on my drive to and from work and once my mother is taken care of, I go to my room and spend my evenings in tears mourning the dashed hopes and feeling humiliated and ashamed for buying into the lies.

Any advice or help you can offer will be greatly appreciated.

A heartbroken Jane Doe in a cold and lonely city.

Dear Readers,

As you can see, Jane Doe is emotionally drained and heart broken. Please leave her some of the great wisdom I've drawn my strength from in these past months. I'd like for our first Dilemma Post to be a successful one.



Ordinary Janet said...

First off: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You opened your heart and were willing to love, and this scum stomped all over it. He took advantage of you, but don't blame yourself for falling for his lies. If there's a next time, you'll be more careful.

Second: Been there, done that. I promised my best friend "no more Internet guys". I enjoy people via email and comments and forums (on a limited basis) but I've got my guard up.

Third-cry it out. One day you'll find that there's no more to cry about, and will be able to get through a day and night without thinking about it. It'll always be there in the back of your mind, but it won't be in the front, coloring everything you do and say.

Fourth-there are nice people out there. Remember that.

dragonlady474 said...

Dear Heartbroken,
You're looking at this the wrong way. THANK your lucky stars that you found out about this creep early on and before something more drastic happened. I know it hurts now, but one day you will be so thankful that this did not pan out. Remember, the only way the past can hurt you is if you dwell in it and don't learn from it. So hold your head up high and smile, you tangled with a creep and came out the winner. A lot of women don't win and are strung along for years on the empty promises of them leaving their wives.

cmk said...

I agree with Janet, definitely cry till your heart can't cry out anymore. Tears wash away so much hurt. Also, find someone who you can talk to--and then TALK, TALK, TALK. Talk until you have no voice left and then talk some more. I am so lucky to have friends who will listen to me, ad nauseam, talk about a problem, but it is a very cleansing way to help you move on. You will not forget, but you will heal--it just takes a little time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

GUYK said...

Dear Jane just ain't fair..if it was the Fox would never catch the mouse. Just pick up the pieces and keep going. Somewhere in this world there is a man for you that is not a liar and cheat.

That said you might want to consider putting a contract out on him...

Dazd said...

Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere."

Dear Jane,

So many quotations so little patience. We've heard them all before..."Better to love and lost then not have loved at all." "There's plenty of fish in the sea." "Time heals all wounds." You get the idea. Wonderful quotations that are sincere yet somehow trivial in nature. They all strike a feeling deep within us and we know they are true. Yet somehow just seeing them in print brings even me little comfort.

I am going to present a challenge, of sorts.'s my blog and I can do that...geesh people. heh Anyways, the above quotation by Francois de la Rochefoucauld is your challenge. I am challenging you to find peace within yourself. And when you have achieved inner peace, I challenge you to answer the following question: Do I need or do I want? In this case, do I need love or do I want love. There is a difference and it's a challenge to extract the truth. For every pro answer on either side of the want/need debate, there is con that can be applied to the other.

Do I need or do I want the puppy?
Do I need or do I want the car?
Do I need or do I want the new job?

This question applies to everything in life, materialistic or otherwise.

And please, feel free to email me with your results or questions regarding this challenge. I hope this helps.


Lisa W. said...

Jane Doe,
I'm so sorry to hear about your awful experience but you had no way of knowing how he was misrepresenting himself. I was lucky; I met my husband via a BBS (bulletin board system, used to be popular back in the 90's). There was less anonymity with the BBS because it was all local and a friend of mine (who was also friends with him) kind of 'hooked us up' online. I hope you don't give up on all guys via the Internet, there are SCUM BAGS for sure (women, too!) but there are some great stories out there as well. My friend just got married to a really nice man she met via the Internet (about a year ago now) and they are so happy.

I'm not sure what to say about protecting the wife and it really protecting them to "not" tell? Sticky situation.
Best of luck to you, love.

Anonymous said...

Thank you all for your comments and support. They are greatly appreciated and go far in helping me begin the healing process. I know it will hurt and take time to heal, I just wish it didn't hurt as much or take as long. It's human nature I suppose. But please know that all your comments have helped restore some of the faith I had temporarily lost in humanity.

Again, thank you for reading, commenting and for your support. I'll write again when I'm done with the challenge set out before me by Dazd. Thanks!

Jane Doe in a not so cold and lonely city

Dazd said...


I'm glad we could assist you. And I would like to thank my readers for responding with helpful comments. I know you are a great group of folks and this just proves it.

Good luck to you Jane!