Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween Funnies!

You're too old to Trick or Treat when...

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Why Halloween is better than sex...

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

The Cab Driver And the Nun

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

Top Ten Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't

10. She's a goblin.
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag... Oh! your having a great night.
7. Just get on your knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a nice couple of pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it will last longer.
4. Show me your Jujubes and I'll show you my Zag Nuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff.
And the number one Halloween thing that sounds dirty but isn't is...
1. He's got candy spread out on the floor.

And some jokes..groaners...whateva!

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his mother-in-law in the jungle?
hee hee...

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?
Pumpkin pi.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower?
To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits.

Why did the ghost cross the road?
To get to "THE OTHER SIDE"

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the boos.

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle!


meleah rebeccah said...

Happy Halloween

vw bug said...

Happy Halloween and Thank you. My kids are going to hear some new jokes tonight!

Jerry said...

Happy Halloween to you, Dazd. Boo!

Mrs. Who said...

LOL! Those were good. And Happy Halloween!

dragonlady474 said...

Happy belated Halloween Dazd!
Loved your post.