Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A Two Year Anniversary, kinda

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

- Dylan Thomas,
Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night

Although my near-death experience was two years ago today, there is virtually not a day that goes by that I am not aware of making decisions based on that experience.

By no means was this a near death experience. Not by the recounts of near death survivors. I somehow cheated death, the Grim Reaper was on a coffee break at 8:25 pm September 25, 2006. The feeling of calm and not panic, reflecting back now, kept the Grim Reaper at bay. No sign of weakness yet signs of strength and enlightenment. I was not scared during my 4 hours of emergency room, trauma room, ambulance ride and angioplasty procedure. Yes I felt tension and apprehension of actually surviving the heart attack. See, I am the youngest of men on my mothers side to actually have a heart attack let alone survive one. Most of the men have died between ages 50-60 of coronary heart disease. I felt calmness that I've never experienced during a personal emergency. As if I knew that if I panicked, my life would cease to exist.

I had a blockage in two of my heart arteries. Most of this is for my medical type readers. lol The most severe blockage (100%) was in the junction of right coronary artery and the posterior descending artery. This required 2 stents to allow proper blood flow. The second artery is the circumflex artery. This is blocked approximately 70-90% and will be reopened on October 12th. Yes, I asked why not both at once? Plain and simple explanation, it woulda killed me. Who am I to question that answer? Originally posted here.

The moment they opened the arteries, I felt a warm rush of life cursing through my body. The warmth of extended life and a sense of being reborn. I have a second chance in life to accomplish the tasks set before me. What that purpose and meaning for a second chance is still elusive, although I will know my task when its completed. But when its completed, then what is planned for me? That is a question I'd rather not have answered and remain one of the mysteries of life.

There are some regrets of that night, and those that are curious can cruise the archives to find it. I've moved past that portion of my life and have actually accepted that mistakes happen, and nothing I had control over. I have often thought of death, and I find it the least of all evils.

I think somehow this blog is just a gathering place on my journey. It is interesting how we wash back and forth across each other's lives here. Seemingly like the waves of the sea washing upon the beach. The sea leaving little gifts of magic and life. All things relying on one another, one without the other becomes a non-existent force. Sometimes the veil becomes lifted and I see you in me and me in you. Souls intertwined amongst all souls until when the last soul looks into the face of love and doesn't turn their back, all souls are one. This intertwining of souls and love is the purest form of friendship. A friendship void of the senses we typically base a friendship. This friendship is based upon our abilities to portray ourselves in a virtual world, of who we are based upon what moralities and beliefs we practice. And our abilities to encounter the gems glittering with the same moralities and beliefs. And nurturing this friendship through the trials and tribulations we call life.

Eskimo Prayer

I think over again my small adventures.
My fears.
Those small ones that seemed so big.

For all the vital things
I had to get and to reach.

And yet there is only one great thing.
The only thing.

To live to see the great day that dawns
And the light that fulfills the world.

Editors Note:
I tried to equal the post from last year, reflecting upon a one year anniversary. And truthfully, nothing has changed the last year except I've learned to accept reality a bit more. So the only editing done to the original post was changing one year to two years.

Life may have no meaning or possibly its a mixed blessing. Life is purely a matter of deciding what's important to you. You succeed in life based upon what you judge a success. The real loser in life is one who believes he's lost when he hasn't. There is no winner or loser in life. There is no finish line or throngs of fans to rejoice. To fear life is to spread a cancerous disease among those that view life as a win. I invite any person who wishes to cower in the corner to join me for a minute and howl at the moon.

And each post I create and you faithful friends consume, I realize that we all howl in a synchronized harmonious chorus. You returning faithfully is a blessing for me. A world where a virtual friend can transcend the daily horrors we must endure to prove again that my doubts of a seemingly reckless human nature is completely unsubstantiated, even if for a fleeting moment. It shows me the world is still filled with sheep in wolves clothing.

I can explain life in six words...Reality sucks and life goes on.


Dawn said...

Sometimes the veil becomes lifted and I see you in me and me in you. Souls intertwined amongst all souls until when the last soul looks into the face of love and doesn't turn their back, all souls are one.

Steve this post is awesome. Poetically awesome. Your insights on life, death and friendship have left me with food for thought.
Thank you.

Jessica said...

Amazing post. I had know idea. I'm glad you're well!

BlondeBlogger said...

Oh wow. I had no idea you'd been through that. Were any of those arteries you mentioned "the widow maker" one? That's the only name I know that one by.

I'm so glad you survived such a horrendous ordeal!

Dazd said...

Thank you Dawn, I strive to make the words poetic at times.

Jessica - Thank you!

Blonde - I don't think it was the widow maker but it was not a fun experience. lol

meleah rebeccah said...

I for one am sure glad the Grim Reaper was on his coffee break that day two years ago.

I loved this will never know how much I needed to read this TODAY of all days to help give me some perspective.

Thank you.

may you stay with us for a VERY VERY long time.

Jan said...

Steve..I'm just glad to be counted in that number you consider friends on's a priviliege.

I'm glad you're still around. :)

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