Happy Halloween-Jokes

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...

What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...

What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...

 

Delayed First Day Back-to-Work Post

Friday I was slinging salt once again from deep within the mine. Nothing like working in a tunnel 8 hours a day to cure claustrophobia. I have drawn a conclusion that this mine is similar to a mushroom growing operation…keeps me in the dark and fed allot of schit.

First day back wasn’t all that bad considering. Considering I had to: 1. Get used to others in the bathroom again, 2. Couldn’t eat when I wanted, 3. Damn phone ringing all the time, 4. Damn noisy people when I coulda used a nap for Pete’s sake. The work day dragged on for what seemed like 6 hours. I had Cardio-rehab that morning and the Drill Instructors had increased my workload. Woulda been nice if they’d informed me on Wednesday, but I’m guessing its all part of their twisted hedonistic plan. Yes, that’s right…I said it…their hedonistic plan. Their plan to enjoy my pain and suffering at their every instruction.

I’m back to a semi-regular daily schedule…35 hours a week maybe more if I feel so compelled to supplement my paycheck with an actual 40 hour work week. Cardio-rehab 3 times a week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the next ummm 6 weeks I think. Lucky for me I sit on my rump all day designing things and reading blogs. (I don’t actually work ina mine, but sounded cool huh)

Back to a regular blog schedule? Maybe, my senses are now overloaded with stimuli from a seemingly new environment. Yes, I realize it’s the same workplace and daily commute. 4 weeks away from something and it really does seem new, ya know? Oh I liked being at home, but there is something to be said about a regular daily schedule to lighten the soul.

Delayed thanks to issues on blogger this weekend.

 

Saturday Chuckle

A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

 

Thursday Morning

 Tomorrow is the big day!  I return to the wonderful world of employment.  I'm a little apprehensive.  I've enjoyed the relaxing time I've had but I'm ready to return to a regular routine.  There's only so much daytime TV a person can stomach.

I have a few errands to complete today.  That's all I have for now.

Today's Riddles-UPDATED

1. I move very slowly at an imperceptible rate, although I take my time, I am never late. I accompany life, and survive past demise, I am viewed with esteem in many women's eyes.

What am I?  Hair

2.  I have two rings. I move by request.
If the mixture is not right, I just sit at rest.

What am I? Piston

3.  About the size of a squash,
He robs the whole village.
 
What am I?  Rat

Late Night/Early Morning

I’ve pondered for many days…

The words do not flow, they reside deep within the abyss of my mind. The words are seemingly light yet carry a heavy tone. They tease my senses with an impending release only to have them retreat yet again. When the words are forced, there is a sense of humor yet intermingled is an underlying seriousness. I feel like a mime attempting pontification…

I truly believe one moment defines a person’s life. I’ve had such a definition and I regrettably cannot find the words for adequate expression. So I will use an example…the simplest example I can find.

Right now…turn your monitor off, count to 5 and turn it back on.



No words from your return to inspire or release the emotional energy. Only a nod of acknowledgement…



 

Friday

Good morning readers!  

I apologize for not posting this past week.  I took a week off to 
relax and mend. Sometimes a person just needs their space to help cope with the curves life throws you.  

I start my cardio-rehab program this morning.  I met with them Wednesday and went thru a mini-stress test to see where I start in the program.  Looks like I'll be attending 3 sessions a week for the next 8 weeks.

I am also attempting to return to work next Friday, October 27th.  I can finally sit for long periods of time without pain in my leg.  And I've cut down on naps during the day.  So maybe, just maybe, the boss won't mind one nap during my day.  Of course with rehab sessions at 8 a.m. three days a week, I'll be on reduced hours for now.

Hopefully I can get my groove back on posting.   I still have so many things to post...

I'm Baaaaaack!!!

 Good afternoon readers...I survived my procedure!  Definitely not as scary as September 25th after surviving a heart attack but definitely not worth sneezing at.  I am tired and sore but will be enjoying the weekend relaxing.  No exciting stories of gorgeous nursing staff administering sponge baths worthy of a "Dear Penthouse" letter.  I guess my insurance coverage isn't that great after all.

Thanks to DNR for posting an update.  You've done well Grasshopper.  I'll post more ina couple of days.

The Dazd Update Network

DazdnConfzd is gonna be OK!!! (applause, cheers, the crowd goes crazy, definitely no crickets here, definitely)

Hey Everyone!!

The message I get from the Dazed one is;
Everything went well. He is in his room enjoying the hospital food and recovering. He should be home posting for us Friday some time.

Respectfully submitted by DNR – DazdnConfzd Disciple in Training

Wednesday Morning

Good morning!

As promised Monday, here are a few pictures of the view at the lake get-away.  I had planned on taking pictures of the place itself but my CRS was in full gear.  Why the picture of fungus?  Lil Dazd thought it was cool and asked I take a picture.





As you can see, there's allot of trees and although we have neighbors they aren't real close.  This place makes for a relaxing get-away and there's plenty of activities to keep me outta trouble, errrr occupied.

The last of the stents will be interred within my circumflex artery tomorrow morning.  I'm nervous and excited at the same time.  I'm not looking forward to another hospital stay but I am eager to see the procedure from a different perspective.  Hopefully I'll be awake.  I think I was awake last time...I don't recall any anesthesia.  I'm sure some form on local anesthesia was given and possibly a sedative.  With all those IV's its difficult to know.  And I'm sure I drifted off to la la land.  

I will return to post a report soon.  Until then, watch the comments cos I'm sure to get hospital boredom and login.  The hospital system is a nice benefit but its sure could use more flexibility.  I'll be there overnight and barring any complications, I'll be home Friday.

My buddy DNR will post a progress report tomorrow.  He'll be logging in as me...so be nice to him, k?  And if you encourage him he may even post his trial post.

Monday Morning

Good morning!

Yea Yea yea...I know it's Monday and Mondays suck. I was sitting here drinking Decaf coffee (ewww) and wondering what to post on a glorius Monday. Nothing really strikes a chord today so I thought I'd try something fun, well fun for me anyways. We all know what a Link Whore I am, and I figured I'd venture into another whoring arena. I call it the Search Whore. Search terms normal people type in and those that perverse people search for. We watched a movine this weekend called "Yours, Mine and Ours". Movie Titles The plot is similar to "Cheaper by the Dozen" and is definitely a family movie. One line in the movie made me chuckle..."I googled her all night". "I'm not sure what googling is but it sounds dirty. I cannot believe you googled another mans wife".

Now I get allot of hits for Dazed and Confuzed, even more for Dazed and Confused, a few still for Cows, not so many for Patriot Guard Riders and certainly none for pet monkey tricks. It also makes you wonder about dog tricks, cat tricks and horse tricks. Maybe Trick-or-Treat will be a big search hit, although I'm positive more prestigious sites have that covered already. I should stay clear of the perverse search terms, for my dear readers, but a few came to mind. Underwear and panties seem to be a big term used (so I've heard) and not necessarily in conjunction with pirates. Pirate panties?!?!?! Arrrrrghhh. Hooters seems to be a popular term also. Although I don't like their food...still a nice place to watch a ball game with friends. The Grand Tetons would be a nice park to visit. I wonder if Dolly Parton has ever been there?

My DASAINT post was a big hit with a RV forum. DASAINT Not sure how that person found the post but hats off to you if you are a continuing reader.

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I have a couple of pics to post later.

Friday Revelation

Good Morning! Such a beautiful day here at Dazed Central. Was a might bit chilly this morning as the thermostat read 43 degrees at 6:30 this morning. Frost warnings were issued for the northern portion of my state and the first sign that Winter is quickly approaching. The sun is shining, the overnight dew glistening, neighborhood awakening as if from a deep slumber and once again I meet the day empowered with renewed strength and perserverence.

I realized something last night, and it really struck a chord deep within. My own selfishness has generated an unintentional consequence. This consequence can be rectified but I fear a small portion will never mend. The bonds of trust and belief that a parent always has the best interest is somewhat tainted. The belief that reality is always a distant thought has evolved into a forethought. Dictating our every response, action and schedules. It not only effects my life but all those surrounding me. My own selfishness has become a demon...a demon I created and only I can destroy.

In all my joy to be alive, I neglected to fully educate my son. I told my story of that harrowing experience to anyone that asked and was prepared to listen. However, I neglected telling my son...the one who stands by me day and night, the one I felt it was my parental duty to shield him from this ordeal, but in this selfish process I created a demon that is dwelling within both of us. Only I can conquer this demon and banish it from our lives. I thank my maker daily for being given a second chance. I promised from day one not to squander it. And now I thank my maker for a wonderful son who, in all his wisdom of 10 years, never asked a single question. Sitting patiently waiting for his father to compassionately explain just how close to death he came and that he is also scared, just like his son. The son who is inquisitive and thirsts for understanding when medical issues effect the ones he loves and cares for.

This whole revelation surfaced last night when I heard muffled sobbing emanating from my his room. Upon providing comfort and understanding to his unknown issue, he simply asked, "Daddy, aren't you scared?" I quietly whispered yes, kissed him on the forehead and tucked him away into the safety and comfort of his bed. As I sat on his bedside, I comforted him with words chocked full of emotion. I promised I'd mend the fences and quietly told myself I'd banish this demon. He fell asleep with a lone tear gently cascading down his face.

I will be taking this weekend and traveling to our lakeside get-away. This will be my last opportunity of the season. I am spending this time to exorcise this demon and mend the holes created by my selfishness.

"As selfishness and complaint pervert the mind, so love with its joy clears and sharpens the vision."
Helen Keller

Thursday Morning

Good morning!

Just a short note to let my readers know I'm still alive and screaming, errrrr kicking. I've added a new feature here located on the right under all the links. I found it over at Harvey's Place and decided maybe I'd give it a whirl. I'm also trying to get back into a regular routine.

So here is today's Riddle:
You are walking through a field, and you find something to eat. It doesn't have bones, and it doesn't have meat. You pick it up and put it into your pocket. You take it home and put it on a shelf, but 3 days later it walks away. What is it?

And here's another:
I am slim and tall,
Many find me desirable and appealing.
They touch me and I give a false good feeling.
Once I shine in splendor,
But only once and then no more.
For many I am "to die for".
What am I?

Answers to follow soon!

Tuesdays Rambling

Good afternoon dear readers! And so another day has slipped by leaving a void. I must rest, I must not do anything strenuous, I must rest, I MUST BE GOING CRAZY!

Seriously, I am doing well all things considered. This downtime gives me ample opportunity to reflect on objects and circumstances I'd normally not consider. Take today for example, I drove to the bank about 10 minutes from here. As I was standing in a lengthy line, the gentleman, and I use that term loosely, started vocalizing his discontent. I let him rant off and on for around 5 minutes. Amusing really...but then I calmly turned around and stated, "I had a heart attack last Monday. I'm happy to be alive and standing in this line regardless of its length. You sir, need to be patient otherwise you might not survive like I did." Heh...I smiled and turned back around not hearing another sound. Whether I tuned him out or he took my comment to heart, is of no consequence to the peacefulness I felt. Was I rude or not...why do I care, I'm alive.

I have so many ideas for blogging I cannot organize them into a coherent topic. One day, I'll have them all organized and here for you to ponder the ramblings of the dazed and confuzed one.

Sunday Morning Decaf Coffee

I rested comfortably the last two nights. It was a pleasant experience to sleep in my own bed again. While I did enjoy the nurses and staff enacting my every request, nothing can compare to home. Saturday morning had a major event, I took my first shower in 6 days. Oh stop it...of course I washed and bathed during my hospital stay. Geesh you guys! But nothing like a shower first thing of a morning. Its my jumpstart and sets my mood for the day. And sad to say, my java jumpstart has been reduced to decaf. Allot of things have been reduced, but its all for the better.

Monday night I was doing mowing and running the weedwhacker. As I was 3/4 ways done, my neck and jaw became very tight. Then my teeth started hurting. I stopped and had figured I had pulled a muscle. I sat down to rest and hollered for the missus. She brought me a glass of water and said she'd sweep off the sidewalks for me. As I sat there, I became dizzy, short of breath and eventually nauseated. When the small amounts of pain started, thats when I told the missus we were going to the ER PRONTO!. Once I got there and in a room, things regressed. I had my heart attack in the ER, was transported to a cardiac unit at another hospital and had angioplasty performed on me. From time of ER admittance to cardiac recovery room admittance was 4 hours. They weren't messing around!

I had a blockage in two of my heart arteries. Most of this is for my medical type readers. lol The most severe blockage (100%) was in the junction of right coronary artery and the posterior descending artery. This required 2 stents to allow proper blood flow. The second artery is the circumflex artery. This is blocked approximately 70-90% and will be reopened on October 12th. Yes, I asked why not both at once? Plain and simple explanation, it woulda killed me. Who am I to question that answer?

The doc also told me that if I hadn't been in the ER when my heart attack started, I probably wouldn't be here today typing this post. There will be more posts of my experience of that night as energy and time allows. I just thought my readers deserved some form of explanation, although its a Readers Digest version.

I thank all of you for the posts, emails and comments wishing me the best. My Creator gave me a second chance, I will not squander this opportunity.